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Burian
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Name: Brian
Birthday: 1/30/1984
Gender: Male
Interests: -isms, -ologies, abstract art, abstract thought, , agnosticism, aldous huxley, alice in wonderland, anime/manga,aristotle, artificial intelligence, atheism, ayn rand, baudrillard, biomechanoid, blue gender, bodhisattvas, body building, bosh, brom, bruce lee, buddhism, capitalism, chaos theory, chobits, chuck palahniuk, city of lost children, cognitive psychology, computer graphics,, creativity, curiosity, cybergoth, cybernetics, dali, dance dance revolution, death, debating, , descartes, douglas adams, dreaming, dune, dystopia, enlightenment, epistemology, feminism, fencing, frank frazetta, freud,george orwell, graphic design, h.p. lovecraft, h.r. giger, haiku, harmony, hume, illustration, imagination, individuality, introspection, isaac asimov, j.r.r. tolkien, jack kerouack, jhonen vasquez, jung, kabbalah, kama sutra, kant, koans, kurt vonnegut, liberterianism, love hina, machiavelli, mandalas, marquis de sade, martial arts, mc escher, meditation, metaphysics, minimalism, musashi,
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/24/2004
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| God, I am such a little fucking bitch. I should have just fucking
LEFT last night...I was so pissed at her. I just drifted off and lost
maybe 1 word while she was talking...I heard her. When she heard the
zipper on my bag close, and wanted to know what I was doing, I told her
I was just nervously picking up my shit and that I was'nt leaving..I
wanted to leave and decide something on my terms....she did'nt want me
to go she told me she did'nt want to be alone...if you did'nt want to
be left alone you should'nt have walked out of the room. Did'nt I
promise i'd never leave her? So I stayed and I stole another
night. She entirely gave herself up to me told me that she
trusted me and that i was ehrs to do with as I wanted...I just wanted
to hold her and kiss her. She said she knew she could love me the
first time she saw me, and that she felt like every time she told it to
me that she did'nt know if i believed her...I could'nt tell her that
soemtimes i'm not sure...it's just I don't believe it sometimes...I
hate how simply and quickly she can hurt me, and I know she does'nt
mean to, but she does and it's very hard to know that she still
loves me. I guess I am like a big puppy dog...I sit by waiting
for her, my world lights up when she is near me....I inevitably shit on
something and fuck it up...I swear when she does'nt want me I probably
wimper...so yeah just get on the internet....and -after I spent a day
of my life trying to make you smile- bitch to everyone how big of
a fuck up boyfriend I am. God, I just wish she would talk to me,
I mean I want her to have a life...I don't care if she needs to spend
time with her family...or take care of business, or whatever. You
got so upset with me this morning...for nothing... I told you I loved
you as I left and you did'nt even bother to smile at me...i got a
kiss...(at least it was something)but if you would have at least been a
smart ass and went " I know" I would have known everything was alright.
I know this will fade, I just wish she would let me know
how she felt. I hate not knowing that she'll still care for me in
2 weeks. THR only time she ever lets herself feel emotion is
during and after sex...and last nighr when she was drunk. I
feel her love when I hold her hand sometimes when i'm driving...and she
gives it a little squeeze. She said the most beautiful things to
me last night, what I would'nt give to hear them from her mouth , or
better yet see them written...probably never intended for my eyes, or
in a letter. She remembered the things she said.. I feel
like a fucking girl. I just need a nap....i'll call her this
evening and things will be okay again, they probably are...i'm just
feeling so misused.
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| Well, the girl I talked about in my last post, yeah, i was definetely
worried over nothing, I've pretty much found myself a VERY enthusiastic
and cute girly, playing with her is absolutely incredibly fun.
There was even some light talk about my being her fucktoy, and well that
worried me a little as I don't know her nearly well enough, and am just
not ready for that sort of deal, but the idea in the future was
pleasing. The kink aside, she's really fun and smart, tonight
we're having martini's and watching 1940's antipot propaganda set in
the 20's "Reefer Madness" The only other person I know that has that
movie is Danny Gros, so it should be fun.
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| Well, spent the night in new orleans (the whole night) with a really
great girl, I thoroughly enjoyed myself and it really tied a lot of
stuff up for me. However, I never ever thought i'd say this, but
i'm afraid I might be little more than a fwb (friend with
benefits). I certainly would'nt have thought that while there
with the girl, I'm pretty sure you can't fake sincere interest in
someone, and she was oozing (pun not intended sorry..) it. I don't know
if you can fake enjoying being with someone while lying asleep in their
arms. (it was ust so awesome and natural) It just feels like I might
have a real chance to be WITH this girl. It was great and though
I know i'm not confusing love for lust, I'm just afraid i'm confusing
lust and like. I'm not complaining about starting a friendly and
sexual relationship, i just hope that's not all this will ever
be. This is almost certainly an issue of looking a gift horse in
the mouth. I just don't know and I worry far too much
instead of just going with it. I'm not about to actually tell her
any of this. I did that once with someone else, they left
me. I've learned that the girls i'm dating don't need to
know about my problems as they probably have ones of their own. Again,
i worry for a bit, and I get over it and it goes away, how do people
live with constant worry?
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| Wow, I really like that "reading feature." Dealing with burroughs
i've decided to make a drug rant. Bill decides to describe 'dope'
as a sickness to society and individuals(he also includes legislation
of dope as part of the sickness). I agree. To take a recent
personal experience and apply it to back up burrough's case, let's take
a bottle of robotussin dm, cough syrup, now they sell this stuff
EVERYWHERE, small children can buy it. A much lesser known fact is that
robotussin contains a dissassosciative called dxm in high enough
amounts that your average bottle of cough syrup is little more than a
party waiting to happen. That's right kids, you can buy a
dangerous and hard edged neurotoxic hallucinogen at wal-mart, but
marijuana, lsd and mushrooms are dealer only commodities.
Retarded.
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| Damn it, my two best friends (practically brothers to me) have to get blogs on xanga... which means i will probably have to start writing on xanga...when i like livejournal a lot...meh... i mean poo. | | |
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